HELL...Only $299

Since people seem "hell-bent" (get what I did there?) on ruining my Halloween anyway, my thoughts naturally turn to Hell House. As with any church type idea/thought/tagline/gimmick the idiots out there who run all the churches can BUY the hell house kit from someone who knows way more about hell than you do! AND it only costs $299. Check out the tag:

Shake your city with the most
"in-your-face, high-flyin', no denyin', death-defyin', Satan-be-cryin', keep-ya-from-fryin', theatrical stylin', no holds barred, cutting-edge"
evangelism tool of the new millennium!

No, I did not make that up. As everyone knows by now, Hell House is the fabulous idea that if you don't live your life as an assembly of god devotee (they seem the ones who really push this idea) that you are going to hell. Period. Hell. Gay = hell. Raped = Hell. Myspace page = hell. Killed by a drunk driver = hell. How any of this stuff makes logical sense is beyond me too. But logic serves no purpose in church!

Don't forget, for the "botched abortion" scene (where the knocked-up/raped/incest victim decides to have an abortion, then backs out, then gets forced to do it by the evil abortion doctor, then dies as a result, the goes to hell) make sure you, "Do your very best to buy or purchase a meat product that will resemble as much as possible pieces of a baby that are being placed in the glass bowl for all to see." Because beef looks like dead baby. Fact. Also, make sure you keep plenty of peeled grapes around.

I remember actually going to one of these probably 10 years ago. It was not scary. Well the PEOPLE were scary. But more because of the ignorance and inbrededness than anything else.

Optional Scenes include:

Secular Hipster A: “Did you see this week’s Onion? Jesus comes back - to see the new Harry Potter movie!”

Secular Hipster B: “I’m going to blog about it!”

BLOGGING = HELL